A Hat For Every Occasion
by Hannah Tennant-Cumberbatch
Summary: The Doctor had a lot of hats, and River had a lot of ways of destroying them.
1. The 'Fascinator'

**A/N: Well, hello, thank you for taking the time to read this, and please review it! I love writing dialogues and one-shots, so here are some of my creations! A few of the dialogues are prompted from the Brilliant Book of Doctor Who 2012.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Doctor Who, as much as I'd like to. And this is also not meant to be a real person fiction, the Royals are just mentioned and do not otherwise react with any fictional characters.**

* * *

"I love weddings. Do you love weddings, River?"

"Hmm… Depends whose wedding it is, I suppose. My-"

"I love weddings River. I really do."

"… So you've said, sweetie. Numerous times. For the last three hours we've been stood here."

"Yeah, I know, but I just _love _weddings. Especially Royal weddings."

"Yes, I know, sweetie. Can we go somewhere, now? Or at least storm the palace or something."

"…No, River. We are definitley not storming the palace. This is the marriage between Prince William and Kate Middleton, this wedding will go down in history, and I'm giving you the privilege of watching…"

"I don't really care whose wedding it is, sweetie. We've been outside here for hours and haven't seen a thing, and that man over there keeps looking at my rear…"

"Be patient, River. They'll be coming soon. Promise."

"…Ugh, can we please just try and break into the palace? I'm so _bored._"

"I thought you liked weddings, River! That is why I brought you here!"

"No! I said nothing about weddings! I suggested the blossoming mountains of Filimon 3! You were the one to go on about flipping _weddings."_

"Oh, yeah. Maybe it was me."

"Thank you. Can we go now?"

"No."

"…"

"Look River- they're coming! Wave your flag and cheer! Show your patriotism!"

"Why? You're not even British, Doctor. I'm not strictly British either. So why do I have to be patriotic to a country I'm not even native to?"

"I'm quite good friends with the Royal Family, actually. So I decided to pay my respects."

"No-one's died, Doctor. So you don't need to 'pay your respects'."

"…"

"And if you're such good friends with her Majesty, why couldn't you grab us seats in the church where it's all happening?"

"…I lied."

"…Rule number one. What exactly did you lie about?"

"Well, I'm not exactly friends with the Royals."

"So what are you? Acquaintances?"

"… What would you say if they've wanted me dead since 1647 when I stood up Liz I at the altar?"

"I would say: Oh Doctor, you bad, bad boy."

"…River, there's the Queen of England! Liz II! Wave your flag!"

"Wait, Doctor, shouldn't you- Stop it! Doctor! Get- Stop! Get your flag out my face! Put it down!"

"…"

"Doctor get up, if you needed to hide we shouldn't have come in the first place."

"…"

"Doctor, get up, people are giving you funny looks- oh."

"…"

"Doctor. One question. What the heck is that frightful thing on your head? No, don't grin at me like that."

"It's called a 'Fascinator' River. All the hip Royals are wearing them. Do you like it?"

"… I really don't know what to say, Doctor. You've left me speechless."

"I never thought I'd see the day, River Song."

"…"

"Why exactly is it called a 'Fascinator', do you think?"

"…"

"You've got that face on River. I'm sure you've got quite a fascinating reason as to why a 'Fascinator' is called a 'Fascinator.'"

"No, sorry, I don't."

"Then why have you got that face on?"

"… I'm thinking of a simply fascinating way of destroying it."


	2. The Beret

**A/N: Hello again. All I can really ask for is your feedback, should I bother continuing? Much love x**

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"What do you think of Paris, River Song?"

"Well, I think… Romance. Amazing tales of love at first sight. That kind of thing, mostly."

"…Ah."

"What now, Doctor?"

"I didn't think of you as a romantic, River Song. Not at all."

"What did you think me as, then?"

"I was thinking more of a revolutionary."

"Haha, there are worse things than being a revolutionary, I suppose. But why?"

"You're a rule breaker, River. You go against the ideal just because you can. Plus there's the added bonus of being able to guillotine…"

"Thank you, Doctor. You've just made me sound like a murderous psychopath."

"You _are _a psychopath. A gun-slinging, archaeologist psychopath."

"Not anymore."

"Still, I can imagine you enjoying over-throwing the French royal family."

"Yes, that might've been a good day out; but I do not enjoy killing. Just because I carry a gun doesn't mean I like using it."

"…Yes you do."

"…"

"…"

"Fine, I do a little. Quite a bit. A lot."

"I told you so!"

"Can we drop this now? What has this got to do with Paris? Are we going to Paris?"

"Do you want to go to Paris, River?"

"I don't know. I can't imagine there being much running in Paris."

"Oh, River, River. There's a lot more running to do in Paris that first meets the eye."

"…Oh, okay then. Let's go to Paris. It is the city of love, after all."

"…"

"What's wrong, Doctor? Have I made you blush because I used the dreaded 'l' word?"

"… No, of course not."

"Yes, I have."

"…"

"Aww, you've gone bright red!"

"River Song, outside those doors is nineteenth century Paris. Do you want to go or not?"

"Yes."

"Right. Well, wait a second; I just need to get ready."

"Huh?"

"…"

"Doctor, you never get ready. You stay in that jacket all. The. Time."

"…"

"Doctor…"

"Voila!"

"…Oh God, Doctor, you've surpassed yourself."

"Why thank you! Should I wear it on the side like this, or on top of my head?"

"You know what I think, Doctor? I think you shouldn't wear a beret at all."

"Why not? It's very Parisian."

"So?"

"It's perfect for selling onions. And Frank Spencer impressions."

"Who's Frank Spencer?"

"… Never mind."

"… Ok. Fine. Let's go see Paris."

"Really? You're not going to vaporise my beret or anything?"

"Nope."

"Oh, good grief! Let's go for a jaunt along the Seine then, shall we?"

"Will they still have guillotines in the nineteenth century?"

"Yes, very probably. Why?"

"… No reason."


End file.
